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2024-08-20 
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Ultimately, I define loneliness as the painful feeling arising from the sense that one’s relationships aren’t enough to meet one’s emotional needs. One either feels that there aren’t enough relationships in one’s life or if there are many relationships, they are mostly superficial. Either way, there’s a perceived lack of intimacy. Or there can be strong, healthy relationships but these nevertheless have some gaps in connection or understanding. Even the most committed, loving, stable partnerships have gaps. That of course sounds a bit clinical, and like all emotions, loneliness is often more complex and subtler than that. That’s why I wanted to come at the question by way of life stories—mine and others. I saw that the pain of loneliness can come with real stakes—poor health, stress, suicide, overdose. I wanted to get to a place where we could really acknowledge what loneliness is as a way to understand its effects.
Let’s call it a longing for connection. In that way, loneliness isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It urges to connect with other people. Much like hunger spurs us to eat and get nutrients, loneliness gets us to reach out. It’s a natural drive. Of course, unchecked things become problematic. Longing involves discomfort and the sharper the longing, the more urgent it becomes, the sharper the pain.
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