Children often mean to provoke us, and the best way to respond to their behavior is to deal with the provocation immediately.

Causes of Provocation

Their provocation is intentional, though it may sometimes be unconscious. It is an attempt to get the guidance they need from us. When children feel gaps in what they need to adapt to their surroundings, they often provoke us to help them fill those gaps. They also resort to provoking us when they want us to teach them how to manage their affairs differently. They do this so that we help meet their needs and teach them how to regulate and direct their emotions.

Three Types of Provocation That Require Our Immediate Intervention:

• When they put themselves or others in danger.
• When they break agreed-upon rules at home or outside.
• When they engage in actions that cause problems for themselves or others.

When their behavior stems from these needs, decisive intervention is the only way to stop them. If we do not intervene, they will continue escalating. It is important to understand this. They escalate until we stop them. At that point, we can teach them to act differently.

This kind of escalation can go on for months or years, reducing some parents’ awareness of what is really happening.

• The boy who did not obey his mother at age two, hit her at three, kicked and bit her at four, and knocked her to the ground at fourteen.
• The girl who was quiet as a child started running to her room to hide and cry at age seven.

When our children provoke us out of a need to learn, they will not stop their behavior until they learn. Trying to ignore their provocation only leads to more dangerous provocations. They want us to stop them firmly.

Parents of children who behave this way are often those who did not set enough boundaries for them in other areas. By escalating provocations, the children are actually searching for something to push us to say: “Enough!” or “Not like this, but like that.” Another important point is that they want us to stand firm on what we say to them. Deep inside, they know they need someone to control them in order to learn self-control. Fortunately, most children manage to find our weak points and lead us to finally set the boundaries they need.

Examples of such tactical provocations include:

• Damaging something dear to us.
• A math teacher’s daughter threatening to quit the subject at school.
• A juvenile judge’s son breaking the law and ending up in front of his father’s colleagues in court.

When Parents Take the Role of Spectators

Unfortunately, some children fail to push their parents to act, which leads others—especially teachers—to punish them. But when parents, teachers, and caregivers all refrain from intervening, children get what they need from the police, fire department, prison, psychiatric hospital, or the armed forces.

We believe that social disorder and public disturbances are attempts by people who did not get proper guidance at home and are trying to get it from outside. The list also includes drug addiction, leaving home at a very early age, fighting and protesting in the streets, committing crimes, and destroying property.

The words of people who went through such things as children teach us a lot:

• “My parents didn’t stop me when I was young; now I realize they should have.”
• “I didn’t like it when my parents told me not to do something, but deep down I knew they were right, and that made me feel secure.”

The Successful Approach

When a mother asked her teenage daughter why she never got involved with drugs, the girl answered:
“I knew that you and Dad were always there for me. You encouraged me when I needed encouragement, and you restrained me when I needed discipline. I felt safe with you and didn’t need to provoke you with drugs or other things like many of my friends did. I knew you cared about me.”

Choosing the Right Time for Resistance

Children need resistance as part of their growth. When our children resist us, they want us to “win,” not “lose.” They are seeking our guiding strength and they get it through resistance.

Resistance Is Natural and Part of Raising Children

When you start thinking about what your children resist, you will certainly notice interesting things. When resistance is part of their learning process, they will continue resisting no matter what we do. Resistance is essential if we want our children to learn. This leads to a key idea: since resistance itself is more important than what they resist, we can choose the timing of resistance.

In other words, taking the initiative in parenting is the solution. Instead of waiting for our children to choose the next fight, we choose the time and subject of the fight. We feel better when we are the ones who choose.

Many daily issues provide opportunities, including household chores we expect from them. If they refuse to do a task and we resist until they do it, we are on the right track. If they comply, then they contribute to the household and everyone benefits.

Examples:

• Asking them to put away their clothes, wash the dishes, or make their bed every day.
• Demanding that they stop swearing.
• Ensuring that they speak respectfully with their siblings.
• Requiring them to go to bed at a set time.
• Insisting that they always tell the truth and keep promises.

These are easier for them to manage than the more dangerous provocations they might attempt if we don’t give them the resistance they need. Remember: children and teenagers know very well that they need discipline. True, they resist us when we try to give it to them, but they do not resist in order to win for themselves. They resist so that we win—because when we win, they learn what they need to learn. In the end, they realize that the conflict was never about winning or losing (of course, we assume discipline must always be loving, not violent).

John’s Rescue Mission

John was lost, not knowing what to do with his 14-year-old daughter Mary, who had been strongly defying him for months. One night, when she didn’t come home at the agreed time, he went out to look for her. He found her with friends in a park. He told her quietly:
“If you come with me now, we can talk about this calmly at home. If you don’t come with me right away, I’ll make you the laughingstock of everyone here.”

She refused, so he carried out his threat.

Mary was shocked by her father’s action, but for the first time in months of conflict and arguments, she truly listened to what he had to say. Instead of feeling tense, she felt relieved inside and behaved like a model daughter for weeks.

John had acted exactly as Mary wanted him to—and at the time she needed it.

Encouraging Talents

Support your children’s interests and ways of expression. Pay attention to what they enjoy doing and the talents they have, then do what you can to give them opportunities to develop those talents.

Examples:

• A young girl who liked to play with various things clearly loved drawing and coloring.
• A boy who, from the moment he started walking, showed great strength in playing ball games.
• Another child who began counting and measuring as soon as he could talk.

If you are not fully aware of your children’s interests, ask them. They may answer you directly. Many parents make the mistake of trying to figure it out themselves, which wastes time and may lead to major mistakes. Talk to them if they can speak. Ask questions and listen to their answers:

• What do you want to do?
• What do you need?
• How will you do it?
• Why did you do this?
• What did you think would happen when you did that?
• If you could have anything you wished for, what would you ask for?

From the Mouth of the Lion

Children can surprise us with their maturity and understanding, just as they can surprise us with their confusion and ignorance. Whatever the case, it is better for us to be aware and better for them to discuss matters with us.

Dealing with Suicidal Children

Sometimes children become so discouraged that they may lean toward suicidal thoughts. At such times, our actions must be direct, clear, and effective. The lives of suicidal children and youth are at risk and need immediate, effective adult help. We do not need special training to recognize the problem and rush to deal with it. Some children may think of ending their lives as early as five or six years old, and it is crucial to take their threats seriously.

Warning Signs

Things to watch for include: actual suicide attempts, threats of suicide, talking about death or not wanting to live, excessive verbal expression or complete withdrawal, depression, constant isolation, refusal to eat… We must be especially vigilant after the death of a parent, sibling, friend, or pet; after parents’ separation or family breakdown; or during strong emotional crises. Most of these signs do not necessarily mean the child will attempt suicide, but they are definitely warnings that we need to intervene.

What To Do

We can all do a lot to help, and what we do can save a life. When you suspect a child’s life is in danger:

• Express your concern.
• Discuss their problems and feelings openly.
• Do not ignore the problem.
• Ensure their safety by keeping someone with them until help arrives.
• Try to make a “no-suicide” agreement with them.
• Remove dangerous items: medications, knives, razors, weapons, poisons, etc.
• Block access to dangerous places: high windows, roads, kitchen cabinets.
• Call emergency services, police, or fire department if necessary.
• Get professional help and make sure they receive it.
• Follow up later to ensure everything is going well.

Life Agreements

Once we are assured of their physical safety, we can ask children or teens to make certain agreements with us to help assess the risks they face and ensure their safety. The ease with which they agree is the measure: the easier it is for them, the safer they are.

Life Contract:
“I live (I will live) a happy, fulfilling life and seek to help others live one too.”

No-Suicide Agreement:
“I will not kill or harm myself in any way, whether intentionally or accidentally, and I will not allow anyone else to do so.”

How to Make These Agreements

These are statements children can repeat to commit to staying alive, either indefinitely or for a specified time. The method is to encourage them to repeat these words until they say them with full conviction.

Ask them also to make these agreements permanent. If they hesitate, ask for the maximum time they can commit to—five minutes, an hour, a day, several days, a week, a month, a year, or longer.

Whatever duration they choose must be written in the agreement. Also, ask them to agree to talk to you again before the time expires: “I will commit to this agreement for… and I will contact you at…”

For more safety, ask them to agree to call you any other time they doubt their ability to stick to the agreement. And you must be ready to be available at any time if they reach out. If you feel unable or unwilling to do that, you must provide an alternative.