11:58:17 
2025-02-16 
178
There’s an old saying: “Raising children is the hardest job in the world.” But why is it so hard? When I ask people this question, parents often give two reasons: First, the stakes are too high. Second, there are no clear-cut answers for how to do it right.
One answer is right, and the other is a little off. The stakes are certainly high. But we actually know a lot about how to raise a happy, responsible, caring, emotionally healthy, and self-disciplined child. There is a wealth of valuable research on this important topic, and parents will be happy to know how much sense there is in it. Studies show time and again that parents who respond in a warm and respectful way to their child’s unique needs, set supportive boundaries, and guide their child’s emotions constructively raise amazing children. While it may sound logical, it’s hard. The hard part, as every parent knows, is managing our own emotional triggers so that we can do it, at least for a while.
Regardless of your child’s unique challenges, if you want to parent them well, you need to work on yourself. It’s not the child that gets us into power struggles, it’s our own fears and doubts. Our childhood experiences and early traumas—big and small—are part of us. What’s more, they’re the part that dominates us when we’re upset. So, trust me, whenever you get angry or scared, your reaction is most likely driven by a bad experience you had early on. Children have a way of bringing up those unhappy feelings from our childhood, so the only way to be confident parents is to consciously prevent our old feelings from causing new problems. The truth is, what we most want for our children depends on our work on ourselves. We all want to raise happy, loved, and successful children in their relationships. If we can reflect on our early childhood relationships and learn to take care of ourselves, we can give our child—you can give your child—the solid connection that will build her loving relationships for the rest of her life. We can’t control what happens to her life. But we can increase the chances that she will surround herself with people who will treat her well and help her find deep meaning in her life.
We also hope to raise children who can control their behavior, because it makes our lives with them easier, and because that’s our job as parents. And we know how to raise those children, too. When we regulate our emotions, our children learn to regulate their emotions. And that allows them to control their behavior, provided they are connected enough to us to want to do so.
Finally, we want our children to be successful. Not necessarily in the sense of earning the rewards our society gives them for achievement, but in the sense of discovering, cultivating, and sharing their unique talents throughout their lives. And we know how to help our children do that, too. Much of this has to do with keeping our own fears in check, leaving the child free to explore on their own and building confidence and resilience.
Some children are born with more difficult temperaments, and this is where our inner work as parents becomes more important. But no matter what your child brings to the world, how you respond to her will shape her ability to get the most out of her life. Your child will delight you and exasperate you, delight you and annoy you. And, inadvertently, she will actually ask you to grow, too. If you can recognize when your trigger is being pulled and bring yourself back to balance before you act, if you can calm your anxiety, if you can reflect on your own experience and come to terms with it, you can raise happy, emotionally healthy, and successful children by all accounts. You can be one of those confident parents who raise happy children.
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