(When I get on my knees and empathize with my 3-year-old, her tantrums melt away and she feels loved. Sometimes she needs a tight hug, or a push and resistance, like a pillow butt. Other times, her tantrums seem insurmountable, and we will never get over them. But she’s started to mimic my deep, soothing breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. She says things like, “Mommy, we can’t yell, right?” Small steps. As a single mom, I still lose my cool, but when I see her take deep breaths and try not to give in to the tantrums, I know it makes a difference.)

—Carrie, mom of a 3-year-old and a toddler

There’s a big storm brewing, or maybe it’s already brewing. What can you do in a moment of boiling over?

* Keep everyone physically safe. This means stopping the car, separating the fighting children, removing yourself from the opposing fists, or even holding your child’s hands when she tries to hit you. Children need to know that parents will keep everyone safe.

• Keep everyone emotionally safe so that learning can take place by modeling emotional regulation. We keep children emotionally safe by staying connected, empathizing, and refraining from attacking. Conversely, when we get stuck in fight-or-flight mode, we miss the opportunity to calm our child down.

* Put a stop to the behavior and provide directions for what needs to happen. Gently, calmly, and firmly, take whatever action is necessary to address the situation. Take your child from the shopping cart and carry him or her to the car, leaving the cart behind you and saying, “We’ll be back when you’re ready.”

* Help your child deal with her emotions so she can manage her behavior. How do we teach children to manage their emotions? In the heat of the moment, we listen, with as much compassion as we can muster. When your child says, “I hate you!” Just listen and think about what’s going on so that she feels heard: “You must be really mad to be talking to me that way… What’s going on, honey?” Then listen. Think about what she says: “So you got mad when… I see… Let’s try again from the beginning.”

Notice that “holding your child accountable” isn’t on the list? It doesn’t happen in the heat of the moment, but after everyone has calmed down. (Empowering children to make amends using the 3Cs: reflection, repair, and responsibility.) They will be better able to learn then. And you will be better able to teach, too.

Empowering children to make amends using the 3Cs: reflection, repair, and responsibility

While children resist apologizing on the battlefield, they generally want to reconnect and return to the warm bonds of family once their feelings have been heard. How do you empower your child to take responsibility and repair any harm they cause, whether it’s to a relationship or property? Use the 3Cs of making amends: reflection, repair, and responsibility.

* Reflection. When you ask open-ended questions and help your child “tell” what happened, the logical part of her brain gains understanding. This gives her more control over her emotions and behavior in the future. (You were so worried when Eliza took your doll that you hit her… She got hurt and cried… So Mommy put the doll away and you got even more scared and cried, right? But then everyone stopped crying and you and Eliza enjoyed the stuffed animals, didn’t you? Sometimes you worry when other kids touch your special toys. But no one is going to take your doll home. It’s yours and it lives here with us. If you’re worried, what can you do instead of hitting?)

* Repair. When your child sabotages a relationship, empower her to fix it. Can she bring her sister an ice pack? Or draw her a picture? This shouldn’t feel like a punishment, but rather a way to repair a precious relationship that was unintentionally damaged. Young children often prefer this to a forced apology, which feels humiliating rather than empowering. “You hurt your brother’s feelings when you knocked down his tower. What can you do to make him feel better? Do you want to help him rebuild his tower? Great! Why don’t you offer it to him, and see what he says? Do you think he’d like a hug, too?”

* Responsibility. The first step to responsibility is to let him see that his choices have a big impact in the world, and that he always has a choice: Response Ability. Give him feedback throughout his day that helps him understand the choices he makes and their consequences: “I definitely made Maekel happy when I let him play with the truck.” This is more effective than praise or punishment in empowering him to make wise decisions.

Unlike punishment or forcing an apology, the three elements of atonement give your child the foundation to manage both her emotions and her behavior. Are you worried that your child isn’t learning how to apologize? If you apologize to her, she’ll learn from your behavior how to apologize to you and to others.

Preventive Maintenance

My 4-year-old daughter stopped having meltdowns and kicking and hitting. Instead, when she’s in a bad mood, she can now say, “I need a hug!”

—Julia, mom of two

When we skip routine maintenance like oil changes, our car deteriorates. Once we find ourselves in a broken-down car, our options are limited. So think of these strategies for preventing problems and misbehavior as preventative maintenance for your child, and you won’t find yourself on the edge of a meltdown as often.

* Quality time. Quality time is the most important tool you have for staying connected with your child and helping her express her emotions.

* Routine. Limit the policeman’s approach.

* Only set boundaries that are really needed. Saying no too often instills a belief that you’re not there for her.

* See problematic behavior as a cry for help. She may need a few more prompts before moving on from one situation to another. Maybe he's fighting with his brother in the car because school is too stimulating for him and he needs some time to himself. Maybe she's getting out of bed twenty times because being away from you at night is just too hard for her, let alone the long periods of time.

Other separations she experienced during the day or jealousy of her baby brother. Note that in each of these situations, it will be difficult for your child to understand what is happening inside her and tell you verbally, but you can address the root cause and change the behavior.

* Connect before aiming. Your child certainly needs guidance. But the guidance must be supported by a close relationship for the child to accept it. Ninety percent of your interactions with your child should be about connection, so that she can accept the ten percent that is about aiming.