Most parents yell. We don’t even realize we’re doing it half the time. Our voices just get louder and louder. Or we know we’re yelling, but in the moment it seems completely justified. After all, did you see what that child did?

But we all know that children respond better if we don’t yell. Yelling escalates a difficult situation, turning it from a storm in a teacup into a storm. And honestly, how can you expect your child to learn to control his emotions if you don’t?

If we can stay calm instead, everyone will be reassured. We’ll set an example of emotional regulation. We’ll be able to intervene more effectively to solve the problem. Our child will learn how to move herself from upset to calm. We’ll bond with our child. He’ll become more cooperative. He’ll start to gain control of his emotions.

And if we’re being honest, we know that our own problems are what cause us to yell. Some parents (actually!) may look at the behavior itself and be able to remain sympathetic or even joke about it. That’s because no matter how bad your child’s behavior is, it’s a cry for help. Sometimes behavior requires a strict limit, but it never requires harshness. And you can’t help your child while she’s screaming.

Stopping screaming isn’t easy. You may want to do it badly, but you still find yourself screaming. If you were yelled at as a child, it will take a lot of effort to stop. But if you’re sure you want to stop, I can assure you that it’s completely possible—no matter how ingrained it is. It’s not impossible. It takes about three months.

Will it be hard to stop screaming? Yes, it’s not a magic wand. It takes consistent, daily effort. And no one else can do it for you. Stopping screaming may seem like a miracle, but you can do it. If you keep working at it, one day you’ll suddenly realize you can’t remember the last time you yelled. Want to start?

* Commit yourself. Research shows that when we consciously verbally commit ourselves to a certain approach, we’re more likely to achieve it, especially if we work on it every day. Merely “wishing” things were different, or even regretting what we did, usually doesn’t work. So write down what you intend to do. I’ll address my child with respect, and hang it somewhere where you’ll see it often. Imagine how much love your home would fill up if you stopped yelling. Picture yourself responding calmly—and maybe even with empathy and humor—to the things you yell about today. Keep replaying that image. You’re programming your subconscious.

* Announce your commitment to your family. But it’s not easy. You need to tell someone else about your commitment. Especially, you need to tell your child that you intend to stop yelling, because your child is the only person who will actually be there to make sure you stay true. A little scary? Yes. But you are setting an example here, and if you want a child who doesn’t yell at you, this is the way to go. So make it clear to your children that you have decided to stop yelling.

* Stop, move on, breathe whenever you notice that you are getting louder, or about to get louder. How?

* Stop talking as soon as you notice that you are losing your temper. Close your mouth. Can’t you just stop making noise? Hum if you need to. But close your mouth.

* Let it go. Really. Let it go for a moment. It’s not an emergency. (If it is, get everyone out of harm’s way and come back to this process.) Just step away from the situation.

* Breathe deeply ten times. Shake your hands. This gets you out of your “reptilian brain”—the fight, flight, or freeze response—and brings you back to mindful presence, and you have a choice in how you act.

* Remind yourself: You are the adult and your child is learning from everything you do in the moment. Look at your child and say, “I’m working hard to stay calm. I don’t want to be. Let me calm down and then we’ll try again, okay?”

* Do whatever works for you to calm your body’s fight-or-flight response—take a few deep breaths, sing a lullaby, splash cold water on your face, remind yourself that your child is acting like a child because he or she is a child, remind yourself that this is not an emergency.

* Try again. Once you’ve come out of fight-or-flight mode, you’ll know, because your child no longer looks like the enemy but like your precious little one, your little one who you’ve pledged to cherish, love, and guide positively so she can grow into a loving, wonderful person. Now start interacting again.

Hard, right? Hard when you’re overwhelmed by the neurochemicals that are telling you to attack. But it’s easy. You’re just delaying the interaction until you calm down.

* Ever wondered how your child learns without you raising your voice? When children are scared, they go into fight-or-flight mode. The learning centers in their brains shut down. It’s impossible for your child to learn when you yell. Intervening calmly and empathetically is always more effective. What’s more, when you yell, you lose credibility with your child. Children become less open to your power of influence.

* Are you wondering if you’re letting your child off the hook? He’s in pain, and his “bad behavior” is a cry for help telling you that he needs your help. He’s raging because he has intense emotions that he can’t yet understand and verbalize. Sure, you’ll set boundaries and redirect his behavior. But your guidance doesn’t have to be harsh or scary. Your child is following your guidance because he loves you and doesn’t want to let you down, not because you’re scaring him.

* Are you wondering if you’re being fake? Your child saw that you were deeply upset. She also saw that you were responsible for managing your emotions. Being authentic about your experience doesn’t mean you “dump” it on someone else, without filtering it. As the Dalai Lama says: “Be as kind as you can. Always be kind.” These are your feelings, and only a small part of them come from your current interactions with your child. Most of them come from your past, and the way you see this situation.

* What if you find yourself screaming, despite your best efforts? It will happen at first—more than once. But it’s not a mistake as long as you learn from it. Use each time you miss the mark as an opportunity to change something—about your routine, your attitudes, your self-care – so you can do better next time. Support yourself to change.