Parents have often been advised to step back and let their child find his or her way, rather than “spoil” him or her. The “swim or sink” approach has been the impetus for many children to take up swimming, but I doubt that imminent drowning gives anyone the joy they need to develop mastery like an Olympic swimmer. On the other hand, while the tendency of most parents to jump in and fix things may prevent our child from experiencing pain, it may also sometimes prevent him or her from developing the resourcefulness necessary to achieve mastery.

So what is the middle ground that allows for flexibility?

* Value struggle as a learning experience. There is nothing negative about struggle. This is how we develop the muscles of mastery and confidence that will help us tackle the next obstacle.

* Don’t set your child up for failure. Build scaffolding to help him or her succeed. Should you step in when he or she is about to fail, or should you let him or her “learn a lesson”? It’s always a tough decision. Saving children can prevent them from learning important lessons, but a child who sees his parents stand by and let him fail feels unloved. Instead of learning that he should have practiced playing the flute or read the instructions on science kits, he learns that he is not smart enough, not talented enough, not skilled enough—and that his parents don’t care enough to help him figure it out.

* Support, not rescue. Taking over a science fair project the night before it’s due is worse than bailing. Not only will your child learn that you’ll get him out of trouble if he sloppily wastes time, he’ll also learn that he’s helpless. But if you help him step by step to organize his thoughts and work, while resisting the urge to improve the project yourself, he’ll complete the task with great pride, having learned something about how to plan and execute a complex project.

* Help your child learn from failure. A common misconception is that children gain resilience through failure. In fact, children who fail often and see no way out learn that they can’t win. Children only gain resilience by successfully overcoming failure, which requires realizing two things: “I know what to do to avoid failure next time, and I can do it” and “I can handle whatever happens!”

* Empathize with your child when she’s disappointed. Yes, children need to experience disappointment, cry, and realize that the sun will rise the next day—but this process only works best with ample parental support. That solid foundation of knowing that you’re always there for her, by her side, is what allows her to risk disappointment and come out the other side—in other words, to gain resilience.

Give constructive feedback

Our children need our constant, positive affirmations. Sometimes I see children as little radio detectors, scanning our moods for our enthusiastic approval to love and protect them. Because their survival depends on our continued commitment to them, our constant positive affirmations are, in effect, a renewable insurance policy.

But giving our child a steady stream of unconditional love that conveys our message of approval doesn’t mean we’re praising them. In fact, traditional child praise isn’t unconditional at all. Traditional praise—“Well done! … I’m proud of you! … What a beautiful drawing!”—measures our child according to our own standards.

Studies show that children who receive this type of praise frequently conclude that someone is constantly evaluating their performance. They feel less confident expressing their thoughts and opinions, worrying whether they’re living up to our expectations. Instead of taking pride in their behavior and accomplishments, they look outside for validation.

Praise kills the joy we find in our own accomplishments, and makes us dependent on the emotional validation of others.

Perhaps worst of all, praise only works when you’re there to give it. For example, children who are praised for sharing begin to reduce their sharing activities unless adults are watching because they have apparently learned from the praise that no one in their right mind would share with others out of the goodness of their heart.

It is also true that giving children rewards deprives them of the pleasure inherent in their accomplishments. For example, children who receive money for good grades no longer enjoy learning, but instead pursue a pursuit whose sole purpose is the financial reward, even to the point of cheating. So it is not surprising that praise has the same effects, given its power as a reward. Children who are praised for eating vegetables learn that vegetables are not inherently tasty, and children who are praised for reading learn that reading is not inherently rewarding—in both cases because you (and you should) be rewarded for doing so. Ironically, over-praising makes the behavior that the praise is rewarding less likely to occur!

But that doesn’t mean you can’t give your child consistent, positive, and joyful affirmation. In fact, your child needs this validation to thrive. The key is unconditional positive regard—noticing, validating, and approving of your child’s activities and persona—rather than evaluating them with conditional praise.

Let’s see how this works in practice by considering how we might respond to our child working on a puzzle. Researchers have repeatedly found that if we tell a child how smart he is for solving a puzzle, he will avoid the more difficult ones. After all, he doesn’t want to risk being seen as unintelligent. He knows that intelligent people are not helpless at puzzles. So, well-meaning praise can easily lead a child to avoid situations where he might not seem smart, such as learning new things that might require effort.

Instead of labeling or evaluating our child, what if we simply reached out to him, using our empathy, our willingness to be fully present with him and witness him, and the joy we find in our relationship? What can we do?

We say?

* (You really love solving that puzzle… you started it again today). (Empathize with his feelings).

* (You’re trying out all the different pieces to see which ones fit where). (Notice what he does, which helps him feel seen and valued. In this case, we’re also describing the strategy we see him using, which helps him become more aware of what he’s doing, so he can evaluate whether that particular strategy is effective).

* (I love solving puzzles with you!). (Tell him how much you enjoy sharing a task or project with him).

* (That’s frustrating, isn’t it? But you almost did it!). (Effective encouragement. Conversely, if we show him the solution, we’re suggesting that he can’t figure it out on his own, which can make him less confident about it.)

* (You did it! You put all the pieces in the right places! You should be proud of yourself!). (We mimic his joy at his accomplishment, but notice that we don’t tell him we’re proud of him, which suggests that pride in him is something we can also withhold. Instead, we empower him by acknowledging that pride in himself is his alone, and something he can work to create.)

What about saying, “You’re working really hard on that puzzle”? That’s a judgment that clearly comes from our values—we’re telling him that we think it’s a good thing, especially if we’ve been commenting on it a lot. You’ll notice that almost every choice we make about what we say to our child is subtly communicating our values. That’s why I don’t think it’s possible to be completely objective in our comments, and I’m not even sure it’s a good idea. We are, after all, our children’s mentors, and there are values ​​we want to pass on to them. For me, enjoying hard work and doing well is one of those values.

In fact, research shows that when we give feedback on children’s efforts—you’re working hard at this—they work harder, find more enjoyment in the task, and demand more difficult tasks. I think this is because children are so eager to be successful and to master whatever they encounter. When they notice the behaviors that make them more successful at their chosen activities, they’re more likely to choose to do more of those behaviors. But you may have noticed that we let our child decide for herself whether this is a behavior she wants to repeat. We don’t say, “You’re a good girl because you’re working so hard.” That implies that she’ll be a bad girl if she wants to take a break, which (if repeated too often throughout childhood) can set her up for a life of workaholicism where she can’t take care of herself. Instead, she notices for herself the connection between her sustained focus that we’ve been commenting on and her success at solving the puzzle. She decides how to use that information. Our feedback is empowering because it is a specific observation (“You work hard”) rather than an evaluative or general one (“You’re a good girl because you work hard” or “You always work so hard”).

Still wondering what the difference is between praise and appreciation? Children, like everyone else, need to feel noticed and appreciated. Your child needs to hear your true feelings; the danger is that she’ll get the message that she won’t be good enough unless she does things your way.

* Praise evaluates: (“You’re a good boy because you help me carry the groceries”).

* Appreciation is an “I” statement that expresses your true feelings, and empowers your child by letting her know how her actions have affected you, and by thanking her: (“Thank you for helping me carry the groceries… I love the help you give me when I get home tired from shopping.”).